The best part of waking up

I had one of the worst yet best TV experiences ever this morning.

So we have this running exercise machine in our house. I'm not sure what it's called. An elliptical? I don't know. But it's a machine where you run, and exercise...and all that fun stuff. Anyway. The point is we have one. And ever since a couple of weeks ago, I decided I want to use it. So in the mornings I don't work I come down to run. You know, to lose weight. Eventually look good for my girlfriend. All that jazz. And there's a tv in the exercise room. So I come down this morning and check my tivo stuff to see if there's anything I want to watch. Now I've seen most of the shows and I've watched Orange County three times in the past two weeks or so so I don't want to watch that. So I just flip on the normal TV and am browsing through and see a movie on the SciFi channel. From Dusk til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money. It's got about an hour left. I decide to check it out.

Now, you know those grade B horror movies? This tops them all. I cannot accurately describe the scene that happened this morning. I turn it on and start running. Now the premise of the movie is that these guys are going to Mexico to rob a bank and stop at a bar that turns out to be full of undead monsters. Well I turn it on and I'm at this part where they're at the bank now. After a couple of minutes I find that a couple of the guys are now vampires. Well things happen, cops come and surround the bank. Eventually all of the guys are vampires but one. The cops finally throw some tear gas inside, the guy escapes out and gets arrested. All the SWAT team (or whatever it's called in Mexico) rush in with guns and get eaten. Suddenly! The sun rises! And right when the sun rises it's suddenly bright enough and the sun is high enough to be 11 AM, not six or whatever it is. So the vampires start screaming and all and then! Suddenly! A complete solar eclipse! The sun is completely covered in a matter of five seconds. It's now dark as night again somehow. The rest of the cops start freaking out and the vampires come out with guns and start mowing them down.

I'm not sure why, but the vampires were shooting the cops instead of biting them to make more vampires. Except for this one girl they bite who, predictably, conveniently shows up about fifteen minutes later to ruin the police's carefully laid plan and then quickly die. Well back to the story they're shooting and the police are dying and finally it's the bank robber who escaped and two other people. They figure out that the vampires are afraid of crosses and put together a plan (that aforementioned girl vampire ruins) involving crosses and stakes. Well long story short one cop dies, they impale the rest through sheer luck and random superhuman feats of strength (one involved a guy kicking a vampire off of him with enough force to push him back onto a car to be impaled on a mounted bull's horn). Well it comes down to one vampire and the old robber (the cop is somewhere else...I'm not sure where). Now the vampire's pissed because the robber gave them away. So he's kicking him around, throwing his face into poles and generally beating him up but not hard enough for the guy to have any scratches or broken bones. Suddenly! Conveniently the sun comes out again. Keep in mind this complete solar eclipse has lasted about twenty minutes, all the while it being pitch black outside. Then the sun comes out in another matter of five seconds or so and the last vampire gets burned up. The robber and cop talk, laugh, share a cigarette, and then hear more sirens coming. Well the robber decides to get out of there and the cop lets him go.

Moral of the story: it doesn't matter how many minor characters die, you can still laugh at the end as long as you're alive. You'll have no permanant psychological damage from seeing vampires eat people.

Wow. I think it was the dumbest movie ever. Like, honestly. I wasn't laughing, but I was definitely amused. And it was supposed to be a scary horror movie. You know those shows where you have to watch it because it's just so stupid? Yup this was one of them. I honestly give it zero stars. If you're looking for a good laugh, go ahead and turn it on. I think it's probably originally rated r, but you could tell this was edited because a guy said butt and I laughed.

Anyway. More great TV. While I was watching this show, a commercial comes on. This is what it said.
You want to keep warm when you’re feeling chill. But you don’t want to raise the heating bill. Blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide, and when you have to reach for something your hands are trapped inside. Now, get a Snuggie! The blanket that has sleeves! The Snuggie allows you to keep totally warm and free your hands. Now you can work the remote, read a book, eat a snack, or use your laptop all while staying snuggly warm!
It shows people out camping in these 100% soft fleece Snuggies, walking around the house, whatever. And I think, wait…isn’t that what sweaters are for? I was honestly laughing out loud at this commercial. It doesn't sound funny when I read it, but watching it was definitely a highlight.

And then it turns out they're coming out with this reality show on SciFi where people apply and they choose ten of them. They're supposed to run and get this money. Or maybe they have money and they're supposed to escape. I'm not sure. Anyway. They run. And there are these people called Hunters who chase them. Maybe they're called Chasers. I don't know. But they're supposed to run away from these guys. How sweet would that be? It would be like you're in a movie. I want to join.

Well now that I've bored you. All this seemed amazing this morning. Reading it all seems stupid. I guess you would have had to be there.

Oh and listen to this. It's one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.