You and me, love and pain

I wonder what happened to my writing. Before my mission I think I had a lot better writing. Chandrew might disagree. I admit I was pretty emo sometimes haha. But I would be able to just write about anything and I liked it. Now I seem to have fallen into a rut. Sure I may have some one liners or whatever that I'm pleased with but I seem to have an overall lack of emotion in most of my spiels. And it's bled into my other writing. My poetry and songs are lackluster most of the time when compared to earlier. Sure my actual writing has gotten better, every now and then I'll even have great imagery or something, the mechanics are cleaner. I have expanded my mind a bit and experiment with more styles including messing with punctuation. In that way I like my current poems more. But before it seems I was able to put so much more of me into it. Not saying that my work now is very distant. It's hard to explain. I'm not certain why either. Maybe it's because of my shift of external stimuli. I've gone from listening to Brand New and Dashboard to Coheed and Cambria and Billy Talent. Instead of reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower I'm reading The Picture Of Dorian Grey and The Great Gatsby. I'm living with jocks and preps and average kids instead of people I used to spend time with. Maybe all of these combine to make me not as introspective. But really, most of my writing was pretty depsressing. Maybe that's the difference. I was pretty depressed freshman year. And now I have someone who won't take that from me. She is supportive of anything I do or believe in and legitimately makes me want to be a better person. It's because of her I'm beginning to believe in myself and am feeling the best that I have in a while. It's because of her that I smile and love and hurt. And I'll always be grateful for her. Thanks for being my best friend.

I have a very conflicted when writing about her in my blog. I talk to Carly enough about her already...it's our main topic of conversation and she says she loves it but I feel bad anyway. Chandrew isn't interested. Aleece is kind of quiet anyway. I know I'm not writing this for you but still I don't want to drive people away. Sigh. Maybe I should be more quiet about it and just listen to my mixes and miss her in silence. I don't know. My life is pretty boring otherwise. She's my excitement haha.

She came down again this weekend. Thursday night. And it was amazing. We didn't do too much except for one thing which I'll get to in a second. But just being with her is when I can be myself. And she'll love me for it. It's just the most amazing feeling to be able to be completely comfortable and content just laying on the floor with her. We watched six movies this weekend. No. Seven. And I loved it. Saturday we spent doing our project! We are in the process of coloring my sweatshirt. It's white with designs and stuff on it so we got some fabric markers and all and we are having an awesome time. It's not done yet though...we've spent a long time doing it too. And that evening we spent with Becky's cousin and husband and had dinner, watched movies, and played games. It was such a nice feeling. An incredible evening and amazing weekend. And now I'm back to that all-too familiar pit in me that says I miss her. Sigh.

Every time I see you I still hear trumpets.

Well. I'm sitting on my couch and wishing a whole lot of things but very content with how my life is. My new trial? Other than making it through each day I'm trying to figure out my life. I never prayed about my major and instead just went with my interest (which really is a pretty good idea) and am majoring in psychology. But looking at the input and output I'm not sure if it's worth it. I have a very conflicted relationship about how it's going right now anyway and I'm wondering if maybe I'm just enamored with the conceptual version of psych instead of it's dirty mechanics and intricacies. It's also a lot of school for a lackluster salary. And now I'm wondering if I'm going to go to law school after I get my psych BA. I'm not sure if I would be interested in that though. So I'm searching, a little confused, and trying to pray my way through it. Life is getting more and more stressful haha but I'm alive. And working it out. And what more could I ask for?

I could not ask for more.