Highs and lows

So I had an amazing day yesterday. It was awesome. Carly came and helped put up our Christmas lights on my house...and that is no small feat haha. But good times. Afterwards we gathered up Nik and Zerr and went out to Seattle to go to a vegetarian Thai restaurant which was actually fairly good. It didn't floor me but I enjoyed it. Tofu is not something I can eat a lot of but otherwise was very flavorful. Afterwards we went to the mall for a bit and checked out Barnes and Noble which just made me realize how much I hate not having all the money I want. Man, if there are any stores that make me sad it's a CD store and a book store. Carly described it accurately: "it's like heaven...but I don't have the money to buy anything. So it's really like...hell..." haha. Well we watched a couple movies that night and then I came home...and the depression set in. I don't know why it happens. Just very random times. But I got home and got super depressed last night. I felt lonely and down, and I'm the kind of person that, when in that mood, seeks out things that are like the mood I'm in. That didn't really make sense. Example. I was listening to some Jason Mraz before when I was on my comp and then started feeling that way and had to turn it off because it was upbeat. I put on some Brand New album demos to depress me a little more. I'm weird that way I guess.

Well the mood carried over to today. I woke up sad, wrote a letter sad, and played guitar depressed. I went to church and people could tell that I wasn't myself. It's not like I can hide it. Anyway later on, just being around my friends for a while took it's toll and I turned myself around so I could have a great night.

I'm so confused as to why this happens. I find it a little immature...but I don't know how to fix it. I think it just started with something very simple. I wanted to cuddle last night and Vic was obviously not around. And that kind of just worked in me little by little and I didn't notice it being around people. But once I was alone it started to hit me and I overreact. I start to think that I'm just the kid that people keep around because they'd feel bad not to, and how proof of this is that I'm always the one to call people and hardly ever get calls to hang out from others, and so it goes. And I know it's irrational. But I don't know how to fix it. I'm not a depressed person, this just happens sometimes. Interesting.

Normally you wouldn't be reading this. This isn't something I would usually share with anyone. But because this is the only place to put this right now you're privy to my thoughts. Take with it what you will. But don't pity me for it. I'm still me. Pity is a terrible thing to have.

And I'm normal now. I don't know if you caught that or not.