Memories

So I logged on to facebook today as I usually do and I noticed that one of my friends from my mission had put up a video slideshow of about six minutes devoted to the OCM (Ohio Cleveland Mission). I decided to watch it cause hey, why not? And it honestly just took me back. Now I'm terrible at putting my feelings into words and so this is probably going to be very disoriented. But it was a really interesting feeling. Now there is a lot of crap that happens when you're on a mission. A lot of people think that a mission is just great: you knock doors, teach lessons, baptize people. Yeah well it isn't like that. At all. Well, I guess I can't say at all but it wasn't like that for me. My mission was rough. There was a lot of crap that happened to me and I can honestly look back and say that from this point in time it looks like I really didn't do much good in Ohio. I worked my butt off and got a lot of crap for it. I honestly feel like my mission was more for my benefit than the benefit of anyone else. I got a lot more out of it than other people.

I guess to digress I have had some people tell me of good that I did do that I wasn't aware of at the time. Most of these insights happened in the last three weeks of my mission honestly. I think that strengthened my testimony more than anything about the effect of a good example, of always just doing what you know you should be whether or not you're seeing any results from it. For example, I made a few really good friends in the mission that weren't missionaries. And I remember one, who's almost 50 years old, is one of the coolest people ever. I've talked to him a few times since I've been home. But when I got back to Cleveland I was over at his house at least once a week and talked to him more than that. We went over to eat, to help him with yard work and house work, to go golfing, whatever. And when I was just about to go home he told me that if it wasn't for those small little things he would have gone inactive. It blew me away. I couldn't believe that I had really made a difference because from my point of view I got to take away a couple of hours of tracting to hang out with a friend and move some rocks or whatever. It was amazing.

So it's not like this is a wo is me post. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I was getting to a point before I started rambling. My mission was rough. I was depressed for a lot of it. And hard or rough experiences are always more fun to talk about than mundane ones or whatever. So I've focused on a lot of the bad things that happened. The crazy people or the hourse of ineffective work or what have you. And then I saw that slideshow and I remembered a whole different side of it. Just the joy. Not necessarily the joy of baptizing or whatever, though there is that. But just the joy of being a missionary and the little things that make it fun. Sneaking into your apartment at night to see if you can catch the cockroach that's been living there. Telling jokes to lighten a day. Doing stupid things at 11:30 pm when you should be sleeping. Whatever. Just the fun there was. There's an odd innocence that comes over missionaries that I really believe that only they can understand. Most don't think about it. I definitely didn't until just now. But just being a missionary was such an excellent experience. I wouldn't trade those two years for anything. I knew that I would never be able to call my mission the best two years of my life because of all the crap I went through. I still can't say it was. But it was amazing. And it was so worth it. Every hard time I had has improved my life in some way or another. Funny how it works sometimes.

Like I said, there really isn't any coherant thought process behind this. I've just been writing the feelings and impressions that I've had. It only works sometimes. But I'm not embarrassed by it. I really wish there was a good way to close this. My mind has just kind of gone blank and I don't know what else to say. Conclusions are always the worst. But if there's anything I know now that I didn't before is that it's all about love. Nothing matters until you love. That's what it boils down to. Pushing and scolding are completely ineffective. Loving and leading are the best combination.

So internet hating is really lame haha. Oh man. Only Chandrew knows but it's hilarious to me.

And any more comments about the music deal are welcome.