Brand New

Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...



Honest to goodness truth? I'm still confused. After all this time.

Oddities

So it's Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving. Food, family, friends. It's all great. It's 3PM right now and it's just my family and grandma here right now...I hear we have a lot of people coming in a little bit. And it will be great. I'm watching What's Up Doc and looking around on the computer. Nothing exciting. For now.

The real reason I'm writing is because I'm in one of the oddest moods right now. I want to be alone. Now that's not inherently weird for me; it happens a lot. But it's sad because it's a holiday. Thanksgiving no less! The only worse day would be Christmas. But I'm in this mood. A few people are playing games right now. They invited me and I didn't want to. But here's another thing. I want to talk to people. But not...people...here which is weird. I've talked a bit to Chandrew, Carly, and Zerr. But the thing is, again, holiday. Nobody really wants to text a friend on a holiday. So I'm just kind of stuck. And I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm not in a bad mood or anything. I just feel like a hobo haha. Maybe if I go around people it will go away. Not sure. We'll have to see I guess.

I'm also tired. What a way to waste a holiday. Sit on a couch alone, watch TV and sleep.

Reminds me of my mission.

But without the TV.

Nerdy nostalgia

Here's where you're going to catch a glimpse of just how nerdy I am. We have family coming in for Thanksgiving so I'm upstairs cleaning my room and everything to make it presentable. You know the drill, picking up what's on the floor and actually putting it in drawers or on hangers. Well I was going through stuff that I had before my mission and I found a big box of...Magic cards. It was awesome. I spent like twenty minutes going through them and thinking about how cool that used to be. Then I put them all back in the box to give to my mom to take to the DI or whatever it is she does with things that I don't want anymore. It was a weird feeling. I had Third Eye Blind going at the time and that made it even more surreal haha. But yeah just thought I'd share that intimate moment of my nerd life with you all. Take what you will from it.

And I totally kept a deck just because.

Playlist

Well I've gone ahead and added the little music dealy on the left. I'm sure that if you're reading this you probably already know that by now haha. Well I'm not sure what to think of it right now. Aesthetically it's a little unpleasing to the eye. It's split down the middle and the color is a little clashing with the background. Of course, I can always just change the layout and that might not be a problem at all anymore. I was thinking about getting a new layout anyway. But that's that. There it is. Twenty songs of artists and bands that I really enjoy. Of course, they may not be the best songs, or even my favorite ones, but I'm pleased with the overall outcome. Go ahead and play with it and let me know what you think. First impressions, later impressions, if you hate the music, whatever. I'm open to suggestions.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm gonna get, if not sappy...then a word I can't think of at this point in time. I have friends here now haha. Well, that statement is a little misleading. I've always had friends here. But I now have a friend I can actually talk to about things. Guys are great, but guy to guy talking about deep stuff can only happen with some special guys. That sounded creepy. But it's the truth. I wouldn't think twice about sharing most of my life with Chandrew because he's not judgemental at all. And other stuff I can't describe right now because I feel dumb. But anyway. I finally found a girl who's just a friend that I can talk to and that's a pretty frickin good feeling. Maybe I'm kind of girly like that but every now and then it's good to just talk to someone. And she's willing to do that. And it's pleasant and, because we both have significant others, there are no hormones involved. That's something that I've missed for about two years. But it's awesome. So there's your random blurb for the day. Take what you will from it.

I just overheard my 16 year old sister talking on the phone about this guy she likes and how he's not marriage material. My day is officially made.

Well I hope you're all having a great day. I'm having a super awkward first conversation with Vic's brother. Awesome. I'ma go die now. Peace.

Memories

So I logged on to facebook today as I usually do and I noticed that one of my friends from my mission had put up a video slideshow of about six minutes devoted to the OCM (Ohio Cleveland Mission). I decided to watch it cause hey, why not? And it honestly just took me back. Now I'm terrible at putting my feelings into words and so this is probably going to be very disoriented. But it was a really interesting feeling. Now there is a lot of crap that happens when you're on a mission. A lot of people think that a mission is just great: you knock doors, teach lessons, baptize people. Yeah well it isn't like that. At all. Well, I guess I can't say at all but it wasn't like that for me. My mission was rough. There was a lot of crap that happened to me and I can honestly look back and say that from this point in time it looks like I really didn't do much good in Ohio. I worked my butt off and got a lot of crap for it. I honestly feel like my mission was more for my benefit than the benefit of anyone else. I got a lot more out of it than other people.

I guess to digress I have had some people tell me of good that I did do that I wasn't aware of at the time. Most of these insights happened in the last three weeks of my mission honestly. I think that strengthened my testimony more than anything about the effect of a good example, of always just doing what you know you should be whether or not you're seeing any results from it. For example, I made a few really good friends in the mission that weren't missionaries. And I remember one, who's almost 50 years old, is one of the coolest people ever. I've talked to him a few times since I've been home. But when I got back to Cleveland I was over at his house at least once a week and talked to him more than that. We went over to eat, to help him with yard work and house work, to go golfing, whatever. And when I was just about to go home he told me that if it wasn't for those small little things he would have gone inactive. It blew me away. I couldn't believe that I had really made a difference because from my point of view I got to take away a couple of hours of tracting to hang out with a friend and move some rocks or whatever. It was amazing.

So it's not like this is a wo is me post. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I was getting to a point before I started rambling. My mission was rough. I was depressed for a lot of it. And hard or rough experiences are always more fun to talk about than mundane ones or whatever. So I've focused on a lot of the bad things that happened. The crazy people or the hourse of ineffective work or what have you. And then I saw that slideshow and I remembered a whole different side of it. Just the joy. Not necessarily the joy of baptizing or whatever, though there is that. But just the joy of being a missionary and the little things that make it fun. Sneaking into your apartment at night to see if you can catch the cockroach that's been living there. Telling jokes to lighten a day. Doing stupid things at 11:30 pm when you should be sleeping. Whatever. Just the fun there was. There's an odd innocence that comes over missionaries that I really believe that only they can understand. Most don't think about it. I definitely didn't until just now. But just being a missionary was such an excellent experience. I wouldn't trade those two years for anything. I knew that I would never be able to call my mission the best two years of my life because of all the crap I went through. I still can't say it was. But it was amazing. And it was so worth it. Every hard time I had has improved my life in some way or another. Funny how it works sometimes.

Like I said, there really isn't any coherant thought process behind this. I've just been writing the feelings and impressions that I've had. It only works sometimes. But I'm not embarrassed by it. I really wish there was a good way to close this. My mind has just kind of gone blank and I don't know what else to say. Conclusions are always the worst. But if there's anything I know now that I didn't before is that it's all about love. Nothing matters until you love. That's what it boils down to. Pushing and scolding are completely ineffective. Loving and leading are the best combination.

So internet hating is really lame haha. Oh man. Only Chandrew knows but it's hilarious to me.

And any more comments about the music deal are welcome.

Spitting sounds

So I know a couple people that have these little music things on their blog sites. You know the kind, has a dozen songs or so and it plays and you can pause it and change tracks and whatever. So I've been thinking whether or not to get one of those. I mean...music is the shiznit. But I don't know if it would get annoying or whatever. If I would get annoyed with it. Or anyone else. So...thoughts? Ultimately it's going to be my decision obviously but I was just wondering if anyone had anything to say about it. Let me know.

Sorry. Nothing spectacular. My head is a box full of nothing.

And that's the way I like it.

Everybody look what's going down

Well I went to the OneRepublic concert last night. And I really enjoyed myself. I got picked up at 4:30 which seemed really early but it wasn't too bad. We went to pick up a friend at Target and I buckled...I saw season one of Arrested Development for 15 bucks and had to pick it up. Got lost in Seattle, the whole deal. Then we finally got there about 6:15 or so. It was at a theatre called the Paramount. Now, this was the first time I have ever been to a concert where there have been seats. And that was a definite drawback. But it was actually alright. Not too bad of a setup at all. We head over, there's a small merch table where my friend bought a 20 dollar shirt. Other people were buying shirts as well...but they did the unthinkable. They bought the shirt then put it on. So not scene. I also noticed that these were ver un-concert like people. That was my first impression. These people do not frequent the rock venues. They're wearing khaki. Flip flops. They're old asian women. Preppy guys and girls. It was a really kind of awkward little bit where I was just looking around...these people would die at a Reggie and the Full Effect concert. Anyway. Doors open, in we go.

Now we're seated on the ground level, but a fair ways back. Row EE. Not terrible, I could see the stage very well, but it wasn't the best. The theatre is pretty empty until about 6:55 when people started coming in. And they kept coming in late. Now that's awesome at a rock club. But when there are seats, you gotta be there on time man. Not only do you piss off the people in your row because they have to stand up to let you in, but everyone behind gets to watch you as well. Awesome. Anyway. A little more to set the stage. We're in Seattle. Now SLC has a good reputation for putting on great, energetic shows. Seattle is kind of the opposite. We're all indie here and nobody really moves during a lot of concerts. Just kind of the checkin the band out, nodding my head kind of stuff. It's also so much worse in a theatre. And when the crowd members aren't frequent fliers in the concert world. So I feel kind of sorry for the bands when they tried to get us all riled up. Dissappointing for them.

The Hush Sound opened first and it was the first time I've ever seen them. They were awesome. They sounded just as good as they do on their albums. They played songs off of their new album as well as Like Vines. And it was just a good show overall. And the girl who sings and plays piano is hot and that never hurts haha. But anyway. They put on a very polished show. I was very impressed and recommend them. It must be so much better in a venue.

Next was The Spill Canvas. Great band. They had a little bit of trouble...I think. Maybe he just sang too softly for the mic to pick up sometimes. But they were energetic and engaging. And even busted out into a bit of Carry On My Wayward Son. Good times...the only thing that was a little sketchy is when the guy said "I'm not trying to be immature here..." and then said that the song was a great song to have sex to. Now, is that tacky? To recommend your own song? Not sure. Kind of a grey area. But it was pretty funny.

Then there was another intermission...and unlike the others, this did not last for 15 minutes. The sound guys spent about ten minutes setting up lamps and a piano and then the stage was empty. The setup lasted for a whopping 45 minutes...with an empty stage for 35 of them. Kind of sad. I'm not sure what they were doing, but oh well I guess. And then the show started. Now, I have no idea what OneRepublic sounds like in the studio. I've only heard two songs, and only once or twice. But I was very impressed. The singer's voice reminded me of Justin Timberlake mixed with Jason Mraz (which is a good thing) and the music was a cross of The Fray and Matchbox 20. I liked it. Not enough to go out and buy the album. But I really enjoyed it. Highlights? A freaking spanish guitar solo for two or three minutes. It was seriously some of the best I've ever heard, that guy's got skillz. They covered Crazy by Gnarls Barkley, some Bette Midler song, and did an awesome job covering For What It's Worth by Buffalo Springfield. Great song. Anyway, it was a very big sound and extremely musical and talented. I highly enjoyed the show. I guess the only gripe I have is that they're a "singles" band. I guarantee you that at least 75% of the people there had no idea who they were, they just knew the two singles. And I had another problem. The girl sitting two seats down from me and her friend were incredibly annoying. Screamed the whole set of OneRepublic. And I'm not talking high pitched girl squeals. I'm talking throaty yells. I hope they got hit by a bus yesterday. The world would be a better place.

And we didn't get shanked in Seattle.

Well we got home late last night and I had to wake up at 4:45 this morning to get to work. I'm exhausted. But it was so worth it.

Now I don't expect that this thrilled you. I just wanted to write down my thoughts of the evening. And since when am I writing this for you anyway? Jerks...

just joking brah.

Uninteresting

Well, I haven't written anything in almost a week. That may not seem like much to you, but ever since I've had this and even in the blog I had before I think a week was the longest I ever went without writing something. I figured it's about time to throw something in here. The problem, however, lies in the fact that my life is completely stagnant. I'm not progressing anywhere. I'm living at home, have a normal part-time job, and on my off time I hang out with one of two friends or play guitar. And that sums up my life. Not interesting in the slightest. And I feel the need to make this interesting for the two people that actually read it. I'm not certain why. I think this is also the same reason I've only written in my journal once since I've been home. I wrote every day for the last three transfers. I was pretty proud of myself. Then I got home and things came to a standstill. What am I going to write? I feel kind of sorry for future generations...they're going to think that I was the most boring sap on the planet. Of course, all of my journal entries were the same anyway...woke up, taught ___ about ___, maybe a funny or interesting experience. That was it. Of course interview days were different. But that was my standard day. What really goes in a journal? What you do? I'm not one to throw in my sins and faults in a journal. I don't think that's a good idea. So...what goes there? Any thoughts? Ideas? I'm really at a loss.

Sorry this is so incredibly uninteresting.

Wow I just wrote about writing in journals. If you can get any more pathetic than that I will give you mad props.

Truth

Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy...there are Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or a subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort. Not to mention hospital gurneys, and nose plugs, and uneaten Danish, and soft spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all the things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties which we assume only accesorize our days, are in fact here for a much larger and nobler cause.

They are here to save our lives.

I know the idea seems strange. But I also know that it just so happens to be true. And so it was...a wristwatch saved Harold Crick.
-Kay Eiffel